Joshua’s Walk

  • I was asked on Topix to post this post about Joshua, Adam and Kate going for a walk. This post was made the day before Kate Estes put up a post asking fir more fundraising monies.
  • Written August 5, 2013 2:41am by Kate Parker

I don’t know how I am going to survive this. I look at him sleeping next to me and think of the last thing he said before he fell asleep (“I love you forever & ever.”) and the thought of not hearing that every night anymore makes me feel sick inside. I don’t want to have to do this… I don’t want to have to live without my little boy. I’m thankful he is still here for me to hold. I never want to let him go even though I simultaneously do not want him to suffer a moment longer than he is forced to. My head asks God to come quickly and free Joshua from the pain. My heart begs God to let me have a little more time because the rest of my life seems way too long to have to live without my son & I don’t want that journey to begin.

I still don’t have an idea about how much longer he will hang on. I emailed Dr. S (ped) and flat-out asked if she has any idea of a time frame that she could give me. It would be helpful to know if this is a days versus weeks type of situation.

Joshua ate a little more today than he has in the previous days, but the total number of calories he took in totaled about 300. He drank about 6 ounces of fluid. He wanted me to take him on a walk around the block, just the two of us, and he shared things that were important to him as we went. He told me “The angels are so shiny & bright that you can’t really see them here, but you’ll see them in heaven,” and how “God loves us so much He is letting us live in His home forever.” He said he is ready to go Home and clarified that he meant heaven, not our house. He said that when the angels come for him, he is going to go with them and then make sure they come back for me. He pointed to a flower (weed) he wanted for his collection and the blue lid to a milk container that was lying on the ground that he wanted “because it is one of my favorite colors.” He spoke to me of his love for me, telling me I have been a very good mommy… the best mommy in the whole world… and that he loves me forever. He asked if I remembered the times we cuggled (cuddled) and I said I did and he told me he loves to cuggle with me because I am the best mommy and when I told him I love to cuggle with him, too, because he is the best Joshie in the world, he responded that he knows he is the cutest Joshie in the world (I did not disagree with him on that). He told me his leg likes to cuggle with my knee (he drapes one leg over mine at night as he is falling asleep… how will I go to sleep without that??? Oh, there are a million things I am going to miss about this little boy!).

In the evening, he asked if Adam & I could take him out for a walk so he could tell us something important. As we walked, Joshua was quiet at first, so I asked, “What did you want to tell us?” He looked at Adam and said, “I need to tell you that I love you. I love you SO MUCH. I will love you forever, Adam.” Then he told me he needed to tell me the same thing… he loves me SO MUCH. Forever. Both Adam & I assured him we felt the exact same way. We talked about other things… silly little things like what colors Joshua likes and we tried to find leaves in those colors. He found a white rock and a red one and I picked them up and handed them over to be added to the collection of ‘nature things’. We talked about heaven and God and angels. We spoke of love and how much we mean to each other and how that will never change. It was a light-hearted, yet intensely serious, walk as Joshua seemed to be settling things in his head and tying up loose ends by making sure he said all the little things he wanted to say. Adam videotaped the entire 25 minute walk. I am so grateful he did.

Joshie wants me to get a mine so that I can get him some gold so that he can make a trophy for Megan and he wants to write on it, “You are the best sister in the world.” He wants to try going through a car wash (he doesn’t remember ever doing it, though he has). He asked to go to the mini mart yesterday to try a Laffy Taffy because he never has had one (actually, he HAS… he loves them… he just didn’t remember). It’s odd how he randomly thinks up things he wants to do. I indulge every whim that I can. It is enough to make him happy.

He is still pushing Emily, David, Sarah & Isaac away more often than not and I don’t know why. Please pray that he will soften and let them love on him. Pray, too, that Joshua will respond and love them back. He has always adored his siblings and Isaac has been his best friend. It is breaking their hearts to be pushed away at this time, especially when they know Joshua won’t be here for a lot longer. Please pray that he will be able to connect in a way that is meaningful for Emily, David, Sarah & Isaac before he dies. They need at least one more happy moment with their baby brother and to hear him say, “I love you.”

Tears are filling my eyes as I type and feel my little boy’s leg pressed against mine and glance over to watch him sleeping. I don’t want him to suffer anymore, but I don’t want this time with him to end. When the angels come to take him to heaven, I will not beg him to stay (though I will desperately want to), but I am never going to be ready for this. I have said I’m as ready as I will ever be, but that doesn’t mean anything when it’s a situation no mom can ever be ready for.

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